I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, but if it runs out I'll drink the red. Photo:  The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair.

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

It’s a veritable smorgasbord of savory Turkey Day sayings. I got fat. You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.” ~ Anonymous. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.”– Samantha Bee, “Dear Lord, I’ve been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us… a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird… a social being… capable of actual affection… nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Dear Santa, I'm writing to let you know that I've been naughty this year ... and it was SO worth it. var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; Christmas is one of the most festive and jolly holidays. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” -Johnny Carson, “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. Always jingle all the way. From the sweetest, Christmas cookies WILL go right to my butt, 40 Funny Christmas Quotes And Memes To Get You Through The Holiday Season, 'Tis The Season For Love: 12 Christmas Quotes To Keep You Merry, 10 Christmas Songs That Are Actually Creepy As Hell, 7 Gifts Your Brand New Man Will LOVE! Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” – Wendy Cope, “The worst gift is a fruitcake. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.” ~ P.J. Enjoy our collection of funny Christmas quotes with images. So, what am I proposing you do about it? I’m probably not alone on this one when saying that Christmas time nowadays is stressful and irritating. No one likes a half-assed jingler. It’s joyful and triumphant.” – The Grinch (How the Grinch Stole Christmas). Whoever said “All is Calm” has never been to our house around Christmas. If you are looking for the best Christmas memes and holiday tweets to share to make you laugh, look no further. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?” – Arlo Guthrie, “Christmas: it’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. Dear Santa, when you get here, could you please throw a quick load in the washer, vacuum the carpets and wash your cookie plate? What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” ~ Phyllis Diller, “Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? To add more fun and merry to Christmas we are looking for more Christmas card quotes. js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; It's all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list. If you find the light-up sweaters and antler headbands to be an appalling display of Christmas cheer, get one of these hilarious quotes printed on a t-shirt and rep. the holiday in your own way. Santa Claus has the right idea- visit people only once a year. Want to share your own Christmas funny quotes? “One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. Santa saw your Instagram pictures. Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” ~ Tom Sims, “I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.” – Author Unknown, “This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.” – Guy Endore Kaiser, “A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” – Garrison Keillor, “The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” ~ Joan Rivers, “I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.” ~ Dick Gregory, “Be careful with drinking this Christmas. Also, if you want to make your Christmas cards a little more memorable this year, adding one of these sassy Christmas quotes could do the trick. May you be surrounded by ho’s this Christmas season.

( I never claimed to have all the answers guys.). We also include some funny Christmas jokes and sayings that you can share to your friends to spread the good vibe and good cheer. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights. What’s next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?” – Santa Claus in Home Alone, “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas?

More Christmas quotes and sayings posted in our site. Now that I know that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, (thanks a lot, my 10 year-old, nosy, detective self), that all of those Christmas cookies WILL go right to my butt and that buying gifts equals credit card debt, I’m just not that thrilled when December rolls around.

When your mom is hounding you about what you’re bringing to Christmas dinner, or when the staff at the stores you shop at are being less than jolly, hit them with one of these funny holiday quotes. Only an accountant understands the real meaning of Christmas. You're getting clothes and a bible for Christmas. Christmas is so much worse as you get older. Plus, the funny Christmas sayings could help you with gift ideas as you could get them printed on mugs, stockings or underwear — because we all know we're not alone in this grinchy-spirit. Copyright © 2020 AllWording.com | Disclaimer | Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Contact.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. One […] From the sweetest love quotes, inspirational sayings, and hilarious friendship truths, we've got you covered. (And 7 Awkward Ones To Avoid). They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.” – Lenore Hershey, “For Christmas this year, try giving less. To help you out, here’s a collection of 25 funny Christmas card sayings, with a mixture of the well-known, the obscure, and the totally original. I woke up in a box. How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? (function(d, s, id) { This wasn’t for any religious reasons. A sense of purpose? Millions of people around the world celebrate this fortunate holiday with complete zeal and merriment. The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus. “Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.” – Author Unknown, “Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.” – Author Unknown, “Nothing says holiday like a cheese log.” – Ellen DeGeneres, “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”– Andy Borowitz, “Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Author Unknown, “Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” -Andy Borowitz, “Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.” – Author Unknown, “Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.” – Melanie White, “My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.”– Melanie White, “Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” – Dave Barry, “Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. js.src = "//connect.facebook.net/en_US/sdk.js#xfbml=1&version=v2.8&appId=150513121694115"; You can use them as funny Christmas card quotes if you wanna humor your friends and loved ones this coming Christmas day. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. Showing search results for "Funny Holiday Work" sorted by relevance. You know what I got for Christmas? They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” ~ Jay Leno, “Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.” ~ Anonymous, “Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? if (d.getElementById(id)) return;

If you're searching for the best quotes and memes to share with the people you love (or just want to feel inspired yourself) ... look no further! Warning: Some of the humor here is on the raunchy side and may not be appropriate for your Aunt Betty. Probably will get the same thing this year. Browse them and enjoy! There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway!” – Anne Bristow, “What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” – Bridger Winegar, “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.” ~ Bernard Manning, “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. The spirits will be sure to make you bright! AllWording’s list of terrible Christmas puns, Feast Your Eyes on This List of Thanksgiving Phrases. RELATED: 'Tis The Season For Love: 12 Christmas Quotes To Keep You Merry. So this Christmas, let’s make the holiday more fun with these funny Christmas quotes sayings.

Sweet, but twisted. What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Dear Santa,[ ] I've been good this year[ ] OK, most of the time[ ] Once in a while[X] OK fine. Christmas used to be a magical time for me filled with family, school parties, ALL OF THE CANDY and presents that people gave without expecting something in return. Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. This is also one of my favorite days aside from my birthday. The owner of this site is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com. When all else fails, use a quote from someone famous.

How is the Italian version of Christmas different? Even better, you don’t have to come up with your own wording – you can just steal one of the many cute and/or witty Christmas messages already in circulation. No more merciful beheadings. My wish list for the holidays is short this year, 2. Does that make me a candy cane? As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that Christmas time kind of sucks. Want more holiday silliness like this? It was AWESOME.

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